Police Punching Down on Local Businessfolk

In what can only be described as the greatest journalistic achievement of my underappreciated career, Weazel News has obtained EXCLUSIVE CCTV footage revealing the dark underbelly of the LSPD. When I say exclusive, I mean I spent three nights hiding in bushes setting up those cameras myself because nobody else at this station has the guts, or the flexibility, to crouch for that long without complaining about being bored.

The footage, which my underworked and overpaid staff is still combing through shows Officers engaged in what can only be described as a criminal conspiracy. These so-called “protectors of the peace” were caught red handed purchasing narcotics with what I can only assume were taxpayer dollars! But wait, it gets worse!

Instead of addressing the rampant criminal activity happening literally down the street from their own station, these officers were plotting to plant these drugs in Cypress block, a neighborhood populated primarily by hardworking factory employees just trying to make an honest living. You know, unlike certain police officers I could name, if I wanted to.

Meanwhile, the Boosties gang continues to operate with complete impunity from their “cubby” across from our beloved Weazel News headquarters. These dickheads have transformed our parking lot into their personal shakedown street, scaring away what few advertisers still return my calls. Just yesterday, I had to park my van six blocks away because these miscreants had taken every spot.

The question on everyone’s mind, or at least on my mind, which should count for at least two regular minds, is why? Why would the LSPD ignore the criminal enterprise operating mere feet from their doorstep while traveling across town to harass innocent citizens? The answer is as obvious as chief Turners receding hairline: corruption.

It’s clear to this award-deserving journalist that Officers are in cahoots with the Besties. Their endgame? Force Weazel News out of Little Seoul permanently, eliminating the only news source brave enough to speak truth about Johnny Law.

Weazel News will continue this investigation despite obvious risks to my personal safety and our station’s already precarious financial situation. Stay tuned for more revelations as we review additional footage. And if anyone from the LSPD is reading this: my lawyer says that the restraining order technically only applies to the MRPD. So I’ll be seeing you out there, assholes.

This is Travis Rashguard, the voice of truth you deserve but probably don’t appreciate enough, signing off